When He Fights for You with Nichole Meister
“When you’re sitting at God’s table, you’re His guest. When you’re His guest, He fights for you.”
Today's episode of Beyond the Bar features an interview with Nichole Meister, a wife, mother, grandmother, and business owner. In it she shares her testimony and her journey battling cancer, as well as speaking to...
- the importance of perspective
- cutting off fear
- raising hallelujahs amidst uncertainty
“I am not having this fear. I’m not going to pass this on to my kids. This is done. No more fear.”
About Nichole
Nichole Meister and her husband have been business owners for almost thirty years. She has been a mother for 26 years and was a stay-at-home mom for part of that. She also recently became a grandma. Nichole is a homemaker at heart, spending most of her time in the kitchen working on projects and sewing.
Read the Podcast
Intro: Welcome to Beyond the Bar, the podcast where coffee and conversation are a catalyst for growth. If you’ve been searching for that coffee-with-a-friend experience that leaves you feeling seen, met, and encouraged, you’ve come to the right place. So grab your cup, listen up, and together we’re going Beyond the Bar.
Abby: Hey guys, welcome to Beyond the Bar, I’m your host, Abby, I’m so excited that you’re here. Today’s episode is gonna be a good one, it’s an actual conversation that we’re taking beyond the bar so this is really fun, but today’s guest is Nichole Meister, she’s a wife, mother, recent grandmother and business owner, so I’m excited to have her on the show!
Nichole: Hi Abby!
Abby: Thanks for being here!
Nichole: Thanks, thanks for the matcha.
Abby: Yes, yeah. We were at the bar at Redemption and you were chatting, telling your story, and I was like “Hey, would you ever come on my podcast?”
Nichole: Yeah.
Abby: And you said, “Yes!”
Nichole: I did, I did, and then I got nervous. (Both laugh) And I’m here and it’s all good.
Abby: Good. Why don’t you start by just intro-ing your self a little bit? What do we need to know if somebody doesn’t know you. Who is Nichole?
Nichole: Well, well, I was born here, it’s not really that spectacular. Married my high school sweetheart, you know, went to college, I nannied, we ate ramen noodles for a very long time with taco sauce on them.
Abby: Oh, I’ve never heard that combo before!
Nichole: It’s actually really delicious! Um, well at the time, I, I-
Abby: I was going to say, that doesn’t really match your taste now…
Nichole: No, no, no no no no. Um, you know, we, we, you know, starved and did our thing, and then his dad wanted to start phasing out of, um, doing taxes by himself so we bought his office, you know, worked a few years, and, you know, um, got pregnant and had our first baby. And I was home. And then I was home for 12 years which I loved… very hard, and then it was football and cross country and track and it was the whole whirlwind of raising kids and I loved it. Dan, my, our youngest went into the army and I, we were empty nesters. And then, you know, things kind of stopped for me for a second. I was like, “I don’t have a football meal to make, I don’t have anybody telling me what to cook,” I didn’t know what to do, honestly.
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: I had all my time that I wished for forever and ever and then I just didn’t know what to do. And then the, why we’re here happened.
Abby: Why we’re here, yeah.
Nichole: First, first off, our son got deployed. Um, and that, that tossed me. That was what I thought was tossing me.
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: That was sort of not really an issue in the end. And I, I went to, the first weekend in November went to a retreat, and I was feeling a little off. It was kind of an odd weekend. I wasn’t, I was having a hard time getting kind of into my quilting and sewing and even in my conversation, and I was having a dream but it was like I was awake, and I had a hold of this thing on the side of my leg on my calf. And I heard the words, “Go to the doctor now,” and then I woke up and I felt the side of my leg and there was a bump. You know, I thought, “Well, God just told me to go to the doctor.” So I called Monday, and honestly, you know, went to the doctor, had an ultrasound, they’re like, “Well we think it’s a hematoma,” and the doctor disagreed with the findings, thank God, which is a pretty normal thing to have happen, and she sent me to an orthopedic surgeon and right away I’m like, “Can you just get this thing? This just, I have things to do,” you know, we’re getting ready for tax season. So he did a digital x-ray and I saw it and I was like “Oh, that doesn’t probably look like the best,” and he was like, “We’re gonna get an MRI.” And we did the MRI, you know, and it was, I mean, I got into him right away, I took the first doctor, “Just get me in,” these two days, you know, I had an MRI on that Thursday, I mean, we’re not even a week in. Things are moving along really fast, it’s just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then we have to wait for a little while to get the results and we go back in to see them and he’s, you know, the doctor pulls it up and I see it in an MRI form, which, I’ve never seen that before, it, it’s, pretty good, you know? It was five by eight centimeters, you know, which is not good.
Abby: Wow, yeah.
Nichole: And I don’t know how I didn’t feel it.
Abby: One thing that’s crazy about the start of your journey here is that it was a dream. And like-
Nichole: Mm-hmm, and that’s where it starts. The dream is kind of the more mellow part of the story…
Abby: Yeah, but like it’s crazy to me that you even did anything about the dream. Because, you know, people have off-the-wall dreams all the time and they don’t typically do anything about them or make any sort of action. So what part of the dream made you go like, I mean I know you said you heard, “You need to go to the doctor now,” but how did you know to do something about that?
Nichole: Well, I don’t want, you know, this is where I kind of don’t want to sound crazy, but by the time I get through this it’s going to all be a little nuts because it was God.
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: The most kindest, strong, um, voice, man, I wanted to obey.
Abby: Mmm.
Nichole: And you don’t know this side of me but- and I’m not a disobedient person, but I’m very stubborn, and, but I wasn’t this time.
Abby: There was just a sense, like, “I have to do this. I want to listen here.”
Nichole: Yeah, well… Well there was a bump there. You know? I mean, and that I couldn’t ignore.
Abby: Yeah, yeah.
Nichole: And I think if I couldn’t feel a bump and I was at the doctor like, you know, “God told me to come here,” and I was holding some weird egg type thing on the side of my leg but I’m here, you know, there was something there.
Abby: Yeah, which you hadn’t noticed before.
Nichole: No, no, and, but, you know, as time went on it was growing really fast.
Abby: So you get the MRI…
Nichole: So I get the MRI and he says, “I sent a text message to my friend. We’ve been in each others’ weddings, he’s the best doctor, orthopedic surgeon that you can see at the University of Minnesota,” and I’m like, “Can’t you just take it out?” and he’s like, “Well he’s an oncology orthopedic surgeon,” and I was like, “What? What do you mean.” He said, “Well, you know, it’s a sarcoma.” The amount of fear, you know, that you carry, because you know what happens… you know, whether you’ve had it in your family or not, you don’t want that. And it was my greatest fear. And I was like, “Okay,” but he says, “But, you know, it might not be, because there’s only a one percent chance that adults have, that it’s cancerous and it’s more prevalent in kids, not so much in adults, if adults get it it’s normally in their arms or their legs.” And I’m like, “Okay, well, that’s…”
Abby: One percent chance is all?
Nichole: One percent chance, you know? This is, so I’m going to see Dr. Chang who was, this was his friend, he sent a text message, he knows I’m coming, I call, he’s on vacation for Thanksgiving so I’m not going to be getting in until the first of December. I didn’t even look up sarcomas.
Abby: Really.
Nichole: No, and I, you know, I mean, I dissected every bug that exists. I was, I mean, I had to know what was in everything. I mean, there were years that I knew exactly what every Christmas present was because I already looked at them all, unwrapped them, folded them back up, rewrapped them and put them back.
Abby: Did Jay know you did this?
Nichole: No, this was when I was a kid.
Abby: Oh, okay. (Both laugh)
Nichole: No, when I was a kid. I just had to know exactly, the second I had that dream or even before, God put me in the car and strapped me in and He was the driver. You know, where He had his hand on my back and was like, “Here, here, here… no, over here.” He had me in the car, and He was the driver, so I knew it was a sarcoma, you know, I was kind of in a weird, you know, cloud, I’m in the waiting, I’m doing things, you know, um.
Abby: Because you’re just waiting for your appointment at this point.
Nichole: Yeah.
Abby: Right.
Nichole: Been waiting to go see Dr. Chang, and we have not told anybody. I did not want my kids to know, my son was on his way to Poland…
Abby: So you didn’t tell your kids at this point either.
Nichole: No, well this was our thought. Because we’d been through cancer before and knowing, “Oh my gosh, they’re going to the doctor,” you know, you’re waiting on their appointments… I did not want my kids to be like, “Ah, my mom…” you know, and worrying.
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: Because, you know what, there was a one percent chance. I’m like, “Maybe they don’t have to worry!” So-
Abby: Right.
Nichole: And that’s what I kept thinking. One percent chance. There’s a ninety-nine percent chance that this is not happening.
Abby: Right, well, and I didn’t realize that was one percent, that’s so low. Like who thinks they’re in the one percent?
Nichole: Yeah, yeah. And, so, I, we go to, I get into Dr. Chang, he does my biopsy right there, so, and we go home, and Jay has a fishing trip planned, and, and he’s like, “I’m not going.” I’m like, “Just go. I mean, I’m not going to sit here and have you look at me, tax season is coming, you need your fishing trip.”
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: You know, I mean, “They’re not going to call for a little while.” My friend’s like, “You’re not just going to sit around here, we’re decorating for Christmas,” we go do a little shopping downtown, buy a few things, and I get back and I get a text message that I’ve got test results back. I opened them up and I was standing by my stairs and I literally, um, my world tipped. And um, not that my life flashed before my eyes because it wasn’t really my life but it was my kids. And um, you know, I just, I wanted them to be okay and I wanted their mom to be okay and um, you know, that’s, you know, um, I didn’t, Jay is fishing and I, I honestly wanted him to stay fishing. I didn’t want to tell him, and I called my sister and told her to come over and my friend was there, you know, and she lost her mom to cancer, my best friend lost her mom to cancer, and you see this fear flashing before their eyes and my parents don’t know, you know, and, you know, you have to tell your kids, um, I had to call Dan, that was…
Abby: Who was overseas.
Nichole: He didn’t… he took it the hardest. Natalie, she was very strong, Tim was strong, Dan was too but he couldn’t see me. And the doctors had said, you know, with the biopsy he said, “Whether or not it’s cancerous or not, your leg is coming off.” That really wasn’t a concern to me. That was a, “Well, okay, whatever.” I called Jay and he had not, you know, told, I don’t think he had even told his brother yet because we just didn’t know if we had to. So of course he breaks down and he came home, Natalie was with me, you have those hard conversations and I realized then, I wasn’t scared to die, actually.
Abby: And you knew regardless you were losing your leg. You just didn’t know how severe yet it was going to be on a cancer-spreading or…
Nichole: Yeah.
Abby: Okay.
Nichole: So we know what it is and this is the dark time. I was, I don’t know how to explain it, but it, it, I guess the best way to describe it would be like a silent scream. Um, it just, you know, I realized that I don’t want to be done being a mom, you know? And, um, my husband and I have never been apart and I was teaching him how to do laundry, you know-
Abby: In preparation?
Nichole: Yeah because I didn’t know and we were getting ready for tax season again, the tax season issue, and here I thought, “Well, I see people all the time,” you know, they come in and I’m, “I think they do have an infusion center in Spooner and I’ll probably just go in and maybe I can work in the back and my system is that bad…”
Abby: Because you’re trying to figure out at this point, how do you guys continue doing business and you show up and…
Nichole: Yeah, because I’m the one that’s in the hot seat and, you know, I bring Jay breakfast every morning and bring his snacks and kept him going.
Abby: Well, and worked like hours at the.
Nichole: Yeah, yeah. And, you know, we’re a small business, I mean, we have two other women there and Jay and myself. Um, so we, I, and you know, I’d be like, “Jay, what are we going to do?” he’d be like, “We don’t need to worry about that.” I’m like, “Yeah, but what are we going to do?” And there was, it was just a very interesting time, before knowing, because we’re waiting for the PET scan…
Abby: Which would tell you what?
Nichole: If it had spread. I had a choice. A very intentional choice of what I was going to do. Whatever happened, ‘cause in my mind I’m like, “I’m not going to have a leg,” and that’s okay. Me losing my leg right away in my mind, that was, God’s will will be done. And if I lost my leg, people lose their legs all the time, there’s kids without limbs for the same reason of what I was going through… If I was going to lose something, my leg is honestly the best option. It wasn’t my eye, I have my hands, I can still cook, I can still sew, I can still garden, I can still hug my kids. You know? So I really, it was like, “This is a no-brainer.”
Abby: Didn’t, like, the thought of losing your leg wasn’t what was hard about the situation right now.
Nichole: No, no. I didn’t need to grieve my leg. I grieved my hair like there was no tomorrow. That was harder than the thought of my leg, and I, um, had to decide how, “If I’m going to die, how am I going to do this?” If I die that’s God’s will, but I just wanted my kids to be okay and my husband and, um, I just wanted to die with grace and strength and make it as easy as possible- how that would be I don’t know because it’s never easy, but I just, um, I wanted to be strong. And, um, and I wanted people to be able to see God in whatever was happening. That was very important.
Abby: That you knew regardless of whatever happened that this was going to be a grace-filled thing that showed Christ.
Nichole: Yes.
Abby: Were you a grandma at this point yet?
Nichole: Nope. No, found that out in March, and I was really excited because with HIPPA laws I could tell all my nurses. (Both laugh) And I wasn’t allowed to even tell Jay.
Abby: That Natalie was pregnant?
Nichole: Yeah. And that was like the first secret, I mean, of course I keep some girlfriends’ secrets.
Abby: Yeah, yeah. So not a grandma yet, but you’re making this decision, regardless of what happens, you know you’re losing your leg, regardless of what happens you’re going through this with grace.
Nichole: Yeah, yes. And I realized the amount of fear and that’s what made me mad and that’s when I was like, “You know what? No. No. This is stopping right now. I’m not having this fear, I’m not going to pass this on to my kids, this is done. No more fear.” Fear is not from God, you know? That’s where the devil wants us because then, I mean, he can spin all kinds of things and set a ball rolling that you may never get hold of again. And then we have the PET scan, that’s where it kind of all gets good. You go down, you’re down in the basement, there’s cement walls, there’s no cell reception down there. And I’m sitting there and I had my earbuds in and I was going to listen to a book and I actually tried to send a text and say, “Hey, I’m going to be in here for like 45 minutes,” and it didn’t go through and I’m okay but I knew, “Okay, this is it, we’re going to find out what’s going on,” and it was kind of like God turned the light on in there. The lights didn’t turn on, but I was like, “Wow,” He got my attention, and He said, “I’m coming to fight for you,” and I just had this, it was like an umbrella that just went, and I was like, “I’m going to be okay.”
Abby: I just got chills.
Nichole: And it wasn’t, “You’re going to get healed,” it wasn’t anything, it was, “I’m coming to fight for you.” And I was like, “Whoa, okay.” And I actually touched my leg ‘cause I was like, “Well maybe I just got healed,” you know? (Both laugh) “What’s going on in here?” you know? And I touched my leg and I’m like, “Well it’s still there, you know?” And all the sudden my phone dings and it’s a text message from Linda at work, you know, and it’s a song, and it, I open it up, I’m like, “I just got a text message!” I have my earbuds in, and it’s “Raise a Hallelujah” and it’s on, I don’t know how I never heard this song before. It literally starts off with “Raise a Hallelujah” and “I’m going to sing in the storm, I’m coming to fight for you.” I mean, the fact that I got this text message, a song, this song…
Abby: ‘Cause isn’t there a line that goes “Raise a hallelujah in the presence of your enemies?”
Nichole: In the presence, yeah, raise a hallelujah, yeah, oh, “Heaven is coming to fight for me,” I’m going to sing and praise in the storm. I’m going to sing in the storm and death is defeated, the King is alive. And I was like, “Yeah, I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.” I went into that PET scan like I was honestly at Six Flags and I was going on a rollercoaster. It all just literally wiped away. And I would say from that moment on the best way to explain it and when we were, you know, at the bar, I had said to you, it was like I was in a little vitamin v-cap, like, you know? And my legs and my arms were out and I was functioning and doing everything but I was, um, I was in like this little protective, like a cocoon or, you know, and it doesn’t mean that I didn’t cry, you know?
Abby: When we were at the bar you described that to me like, “I didn’t know if that meant life or death yet. I just knew I was going to be okay.”
Nichole: Yep, yep. I was going to be okay. And I didn’t know what God meant by coming to fight for me, I mean, who knows?
Abby: Right, and you said it wasn’t like, “Oh, boom, bumps not there anymore.”
Nichole: No, no. And I came out of that PET scan and Jay is like, “Wow, how was that?” I’m like, “Awesome,” and he’s like, “What?” And we get in the car and I’m like, “Um… God came for me. And I got this song from Linda,” and he’s like, “Well,” he’s always like, “Well, you know, let’s see. We got to wait.” It was maybe, I don’t know, it was maybe a couple days later, it was fast, we get the test results- you know how you always get your test results and you’re like, you know, the thing…
Abby: Yeah because you have the online accounts.
Nichole: Yeah, so, you know, I just got out of the shower and I heard my phone and, uh, I get out and I, you know, I had a towel, and I literally just ran outside and Jay- we were getting a snowstorm, this winter we had so much snow- I ran out into the driveway in a towel and he’s like, “What are you doing?” And I’m like, “It didn’t spread!”
Abby: And what did that mean for you diagnosis wise?
Nichole: Well if it spread I was going to die. I didn’t know my stage yet, we had my next appointment, so this was with a new doctor now, we moved on from the surgeon now because I was going to do chemo. And they were saying, “Well, you know, you do chemo,” and I’m like, “Yeah, that’s good, you know, because we have an infusion center in Spooner,” and they’re like, “Well, um, that’s not what’s going to happen.” I’m like, “What do you mean?” because I’m like, “Well…” and I had actually just said, “Well can we just take my leg off right now? I know you’re busy, but your next- I’ll stop eating right now. I’ll start my surgery fasting and we’ll get this done.” And he’s like, “Well, it doesn’t work that way. We need to leave it in there because what you have is resistant to radiation and chemo and sometimes it will grow. The chemo will make it spread.” I’m like, “Oh. Well doesn’t that make… just cut it off.” And, “Well, that’s why we’re going to leave it in there. And we’re going to be doing scans the whole time to make sure it’s not spreading, and hopefully it’s going to shrink.”
Abby: Yup.
Nichole: I’m like, “Hopefully? Yeah, it’s going to shrink, it’s going to be fine, I’m going to be okay.” And the doctor’s like, “Well, we’ll see, you know, but this is in-” it was very grim. I didn’t realize that it was this grim until after everything and the doctor wasn’t grim anymore. (Both laugh) But, so then I find out that my chemo was one of the harshest chemos that exists. And I’m like, you know, and then I’m going to have to be hospitalized for it and it was going to be a 24/7 chemo drip and I was going to have to have tubes in my chest. It wasn’t, I don’t remember what it was called, but I had these tubes in my chest that came out and my chemo went through those and I literally had bags. Like big, big bags of this stuff. A couple of them, different, it was a couple of different bags of concoctions going through me every day. I, and you know, the tax season comes up again because I’m like, I’m not going to be able to come in I think.
Abby: No working in the back situation like you thought.
Nichole: No, no no no. So, um, you know, and Jay was like, “We’ll figure it out,” and the girls decided, “We’re doing it.” Maybe the Holy Spirit was helping them along or doing some of it-
Abby: Right, because you didn’t hire someone to replace you.
Nichole: No. I started my chemo right after Christmas, you know, again I had a few things of, “I don’t want to do this.”
Abby: Well yeah, because this has been just from the beginning of November to December then, so this has only been a two month process, a little less.
Nichole: Yeah, and it actually went really fast, a couple of people I knew were going through some different situations of different types who weren’t even diagnosed yet. The one thing that I realized is, what cancer wants from you and what it does and what it does to your family- it’s not just you- it wants a part of everything. It wants to be heard. It wants its name said. It wants to scar you. It wants a part of your emotions, all of you, and that’s what it tries to do and that’s where I also was like, “We’re not going to do that.”
Abby: Yeah. You didn’t want it to become your entire story.
Nichole: No, no. I still didn’t know. Was I going to go in and have this chemo and have it blow up? I didn’t know.
Abby: Right.
Nichole: I didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t that bad. My hair was falling out within three days, I thought it was, I didn’t know.
Abby: You said chemo wasn’t that bad but you told me that this was one of the worst, hardest, like, harshest types of chemo.
Nichole: Yeah.
Abby: And people who were going through the same kind as you were not faring as well as you were.
Nichole: No, no. I think that was just, it was God. I don’t, the doctors were like, “What are you doing?” I’m like, “You guys are the ones taking my blood twice a day, you know, I’m just here.”
Abby: Yeah because all of your nurses were amazed with how you were going through stuff.
Nichole: I was doing English paper-piecing a quilt, it’s called “Dear Jane,” and hand stitching while I’m going through this and that, towards the end I could only do that for like three or four days and then the next days I was laid out. The exhaustion was insane. I couldn’t even watch the TV. I couldn’t listen to music. Nothing, not even my Bible, because it took my energy. I, and it was literally only me and God and that was it and I went through my life with what I called a life’s comb, you know, just kind of kept combing through my life and it was one of the most incredible times I’ve ever experienced and I’m very thankful for it. Um, the things, you know, the Lord’s Prayer I said every day, Psalm 23 was my rock. I would have my hand on it, I would sleep with my hand on it, I would look at it, and um, you know, God was my shepherd and He had me in a car. He rounded me up, put me in a car, took me along the waters. Took me, drove me right through the valley. And we skipped death. Had me sit at His table, and, you know, you say these things your whole life, you know, I knew Psalm 23, we all do, and you’re sitting at God’s table… I never really, I never thought about it. I never really thought about what that meant and then all the sudden it hit me, you know? When you’re sitting at God’s table, you’re His guest, and when you’re His guest, He fights for you. He prepares… He prepares you.
Abby: He prepares a meal before your enemies, so He’s sustaining you, He’s feeding you…
Nichole: Yeah, yep. God prepared me. I, not my whole, probably my whole life, but I thought back to when I’d ride my bike and the first time I rode Highway 253, which the locals will know what that is, and looking at the hill and I’m like, “I’m going!” Well you get up that hill and you’d go down and, you know, you do it. God was so unbelievably gracious to me. He provided my faith. Everyone was like, “You’re so strong and you’ve got so much faith.” I’m like, “No, it’s God. It’s not me, it’s God.” Everyone’s like, you know, “We all have to be faithful,” and you know, you do, but I’m like, “God, I need some,” and He provided the faith that I needed to have in Him. I mean it’s so, it’s hard, I don’t even know how to explain it, but the, all of it was provided. Everything. But it was Easter Sunday, and all of the sudden I thought, “I don’t need to do this anymore.” I was actually sewing down there, kind of looking at stuff, and I just thought, “Oh, I don’t think I need this anymore. I want to get my leg done, I want to be a normal mom when Dan gets back.” He was going to be getting back at the end of August. “I’m going to call my oncologist and tell her that.” And Jay’s like, “They’re the doctor, they know what you need,” and I’m like, “Yeah, I just want to call the doctor and tell her I don’t think I need this anymore.”
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: (Laughs) Yeah so I call and left a message and she got back really fast, like it was within half an hour and it was her and she said, “Oh,” she was from Ecuador, so she’s like, “Oh, Nichole,” you know, “What are you thinking?” And I just said, “I don’t think I need this anymore.” And she said, “Well, it’s pretty normal for you to feel like that, you just want to be done,” I said, “No no no. I want to kill it.” And that was the thing, was, when I was getting my chemo we knew it had shrunk by fifty percent at this time and I could feel it shrink and it would sit in there and shake and kind of have a little spaz in there. It was throwing a fit, it was not happy. It was interesting. And at one point Dr. Chang had been like, “Hey, I think I might be able to save your leg,” it was like right before this round five. He had called and said, you know, “I think we might be able to save your leg,” and I was like, “Why… I didn’t think that was an option because you don’t leave sarcomas in there.” You know, you want to get as far away from a sarcoma as possible. And he’s like, “Well, you know, it’s a possibility,” and I kind of, that shook me up because I’m like, “I didn’t… what do you mean?” You know, and he’s like, he wanted to throw that out there. And then I talked to Jay and I just said, “I don’t think I’m supposed… I don’t want to keep it. I want my life, I don’t want to take a chance with this thing, you know?”
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: So I told them no, you know, we’re not doing, we’re going ahead with whatever, I just said, “My son’s coming home, I want to be a normal mom, I just don’t feel like I need any more chemo.” And she said, “You know, you’ve been pretty intuitive with all of this. Let’s see what happens. If anything, once we get your leg, we’ll do pathology, we might need to do more chemo.” And I’m like, “I’m not doing more chemo, are you nuts? I’m not coming back. No. We’re not doing it anymore.” I honestly felt done. And so she said, “Okay, you’ll be hearing from Dr. Chang’s office and we’re, you know, we’ll see you later.” You know, do my MRIs, do my CAT scan, and I made some sandwiches and we’re sitting out there watching people go in and out and we’re counting, and Jay likes to count how many people go in and out of that door and how much everything costs. He’s like, “Wow!” You know. “You know?” And, “You know how many people in sixty seconds come through that door?” You know? That’s what he did.
Abby: Work hazard, hazard of the job. (Nichole laughs)
Nichole: So, and then we had our appointment with Dr. Chang and I had not gotten my results yet and we’re sitting in there and Dr. Chang is like, “Oh,” and she’s a little bit more chipper, not quite as grim, you know, and she’s, you know, everybody was really happy with the outcome so far. It was really happy, and I honestly, I was fine. The night before that MRI, the night before, I did pray over my leg and I just, not to keep it but just, “Your will will be done,” you know? Because it will. It wasn’t up to me. And I knew, “I’m going to be okay,” and that was all that I felt from the beginning is, “I’m going to be okay.” I know that God is a very powerful God, but I know whatever it is I was going to be used for whatever happens. So Dr. Chang’s in there and he’s pulling out my stuff and he’s really quiet and Jay and I kind of look at each other, I lean over and I’m like, I don’t really see anything, I don’t know what he’s looking at. He’s basically talking to himself and says, “It’s gone.” And he pulled up first image, middle, a middle image, and that day. And my, I was like, “What do you mean?” He’s like, “It’s gone.” And I look and there was a blank space. And, um, there was kind of what I guess I would call kind of like, like if you squeezed out a vitamin E caplet and there was that little shell. It was just kind of laying in there. I was like, “Oh!” My thought was, “Well that means you leave the tumor in there because if the tumor is responding well to chemo that means if there are any cells in my body that they’re gone,” and my first thought was, “Well that’s awesome, that means those cells are gone.” I had never had the thought, it didn’t cross my mind that I could keep my leg. And then he kind of gets up and he’s walking around and he’s like, “Well this has never happened in thirty years of me doing this. I’ve never seen this before.” And I’m like, “Oh, okay.” And then he said, “I think I can save your leg,” and Jay and I were both looking at each other and we’re like, “We didn’t think that was an option.” He’s like, “Well it wasn’t because there was a tumor in there but now there’s not a tumor. I think I can save your leg!” I’m like, “Well are you sure?” because I just was not there.
Abby: Yeah right, because the whole time from the beginning they said you were losing your leg regardless.
Nichole: Yeah, well there was a tumor there because tumors… they don’t, sarcomas don’t disappear. They don’t do that. So I, I was like, “Oh, well are you sure?” And he’s like, “Well, I don’t know,” he’s like, “Well this is what we’re going to do. We’re going to go in there, act like the tumor is still there, clear the margins, and we’re going to test it. If there’s any viable cells above fifteen percent then we’re going to go back and we’re going to remove your leg.” And all of the sudden I’m like, “You know what, I’m keeping my leg!” The doctor’s like, “Well we don’t know that yet,” and I’m like, “I’m keeping my leg! God’s not putting me in a ditch! I’m keeping my leg, He didn’t just kick me out of the car. I’m keeping my leg.”
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: And, and he was like, “Well, no, the doctors, they go by the tests,” and I’m like, “That’s fine. I’m keeping my leg.” I just knew. So it was on May 19th, I was waving goodbye to Jay and the next thing I know I’m waking up, and he said before, you know, when he was explaining about if I did get to keep my leg, “You may not want to keep your leg. If pathology comes back good, you may not want to keep it because I’m going to be removing nerves, your circulatory system, and a big portion of your muscle,” because it was in my calf muscle. I was not worried about it, I knew I was going to be okay. And I woke up from surgery and I had a big boot on and he said “You’re going to wake up with a big boot on and you might have to wear that for a few months because I want to keep your foot in a normal position.” I’m like, “Okay,” you know. I wake up and I’m, you know, feeling like I’ve never felt before, of course, and I’m moving my toes. I said to the nurse, “Hey, um, can you look, am I moving my toes?” She’s like, “Honey, you know, you just woke up…” I’m like, basically, I’m thinking, “Lady, don’t be honeying me, am I moving my toes or not?” She lifts up the blanket and she’s like, “Yeah, you’re moving your toes!” And I’m like, “Yeah. I’m moving my toes. It’s fine.”
Abby: So you kept your leg, cancer is gone…
Nichole: Yep. So we don’t really know yet because we have to wait for pathology. I had my boot off very little because I had to keep it on, I slept with that on, I wanted to do what he said.
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: And even though I knew I was moving my toes it was pretty painful. Again, I’d never really had any of this weird stuff that’s gone on before, so I, and it was about three or four days later I get the pathology report and I’m reading it and it says, and then I’m like, “Okay, we all know what less than and more than signs mean, you know?” I’m like, “Am I, is this right? Is it less than 1% viable cells, is this right?” Even though I don’t think it would have mattered if it was more than 1% because it was still 1%, but I called and talked to Ellie and she’s like, “Yeah, this is a really good, you know, pathology report,” and she’s like, “But we, you know, you’re going to be seeing Dr. Chang on such and such a date,” and I had my appointment and Dr. Chang walks in and all the sudden I said, “I’m keeping my leg!” And he said, “You’re keeping your leg. And lets see how it looks, you know,” when he starts taking my boot off, and he says “I just want to see what kind of motion you have,” and I’m twirling my foot around just like I would the other foot, and he’s like, “What? You’re not supposed to be able to do that!”
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: He’s like, “I took that out. You shouldn’t be able to do that.” And he said, “We don’t know what to do. None of us know what to do. All of the tumor, and the tumor boards, and the doctor students, none of us know what to do with you because we, this doesn’t happen. Normally everybody gets radiation because there was a tumor that was in there and you need to get rid of everything around it,” and he said, “We decided we’re going to leave it up to you,” and I decided, you know, honestly I didn’t hesitate to do the radiation, so, you know, I’m not a crier until now, I guess, if I talk about this I’m going to cry, but um, I would see people happy cry or, you know, on the way home after the May 12th appointment I was sitting in the car and I was happy crying. I didn’t even know I was crying, there’s tears and I’m looking down and there’s tears hitting my hands and I’m like, “Jay, God did fight for me.” You know? And it wasn’t like, I wasn’t, it was how I would want it, it was me, it was, I wasn’t on a stage, it wasn’t, I don’t know how to explain it, but…
Abby: He showed you in a way that would reach you.
Nichole: Yeah, yeah. And he was driving the car the whole time.
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: It was just last month, I went in and I saw my radiation doctor again and she had, you know, was just saying, “You’ve had a lot of intuitive experiences,” and I’m like, “Well,” and we were walking out of the room and I put my arm, my hand on her arm and I’m like, “You know it’s not intuitive, right. It’s not me, it was God, you know that, right?” And she’s like, “Yeah, we all know that, right, but we have to call it…” And I’m like, “Okay, just wanted to clarify.”
Abby: (Both laugh) “Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.”
Nichole: Like, it wasn’t me. It had nothing to do with me.
Abby: So after this experience, if you could go back and tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?
Nichole: Yup. What would it be… Don’t be fearful. And trust. You know, we’ve all had things that happen in our lives and I think if I just trusted and didn’t have fear there would be a lot of things that would be a little easier.
Abby: Yeah. So our last question.
Nichole: Yeah, okay, what was it again?
Abby: What is one thing you want to be remembered for?
Nichole: Oh, yes yes yes yes. I have always loved God, since I was a very young girl, you know, and so I would like to be remembered as being a woman of God and just a wife and a mom and a sister and an aunt. And a grandma! You know, I just want to, hopefully they remember how I was there for them, whether it’s a recipe or life questions, you know?
Abby: Yeah.
Nichole: Yeah. Maybe how fast I like to go on my bike.
Abby: (Abby laughs) Add that. Someone say that at the funeral.
Nichole: Yeah, yeah yeah. (Laughs)
Abby: Aww, well thank you for taking time and sharing your story, I think there’s so much hope and obviously like you’ve mentioned I think, cancer is something that’s touched a lot of people’s lives, there’s probably not somebody who can say they haven’t known somebody and not everybody’s stories have ended in miracles like yours, but I think they’re encouraging and hope-filled and you said something earlier in the episode where you said, from the very beginning you knew you wanted to go through this gracefully, whatever that meant, whether it was death at the end or it was living, you wanted to go through it gracefully and you wanted that form to be used to give glory to the Lord.
Nichole: Mm-hmm.
Abby: And we’re on the other end of that story and by God’s grace it’s the one where you live and you get to be a grandma and have recipes and have grandma days and be a mom and a wife, but well done.
Nichole: Yeah, thank you.
Abby: Because you did walk through it with grace.
Nichole: God gave me the grace, He really did. It wasn’t me. You know, and it’s still, I still have a lot of knee-buckling days where I am on my knees because I am so thankful, and there is another layer of the onion that’s getting peeled away and I’m very thankful for it.
Abby: Yeah, because we’re all on this journey of growth.
Nichole: Yeah, whatever it may be, life’s not perfect.
Abby: And thankfully- no, and you have years left of growing.
Nichole: Yeah.
Abby: How exciting!
Nichole: I know!
Abby: So I can’t wait to see you on 253 going up those hills while I’m in my car! ‘Cause I will not be on a bike.
Nichole: I came out of K on one of my rides and that hooks up to 253 on a hill and I’m like, “Maybe I should go up that! Eh, I’d better head home.” But it will be soon.
Abby: On the journey and I love it and thank you for sharing that with me- and us! Beyond the Bar.
Nichole: Yeah! Thank you! And I love it and I got to drink a matcha in a cute cup that I love and, you know, there will be plenty more of them over the summer.
Abby: Yeah, I love it. Thank you guys for being here!
